5 replies to this topic

[Elric]

(Yes, after some work I finally finished the first chapter of "project London". Feel free to critique on how I did, I love feedback from the ones reading these. Enjoy... and welcome to London!)

-prolouge-

A tombstone lay by itself in the cold foggy outskirts of London. Directly in front of the tall, round, and worn away piece of granite was a man. The man wore a thick jacket that came down to his long skinny legs, along with a top hat black as night. There in his hands he clutched at a curved brown cane. The tall slender man stood as a statue would, uttering a quiet a prayer without a single motion of the rest of his body. The fog seemed to consume the whole mucky outskirts.

 A bleak place this was indeed, the outskirts of London. Jon Darcell had the memory stained in his deep and delicate mind. He remembered opening the tall door to see his father standing in front of the wide window in his study. As he held a gun to his head, sobbing as he told his son that it was the only way. 

Jon begged and cried at his knees trying to persuade him not to leave. As he begged and pleaded, all he got as a response was a stare. A blank, lifeless stare. A stare in which the eyes were too tired and had gone through so much. 
The last memory of his father was his dreadful scream before he pulled the trigger. His own father's blood splattered like a bug getting crushed against a windshield of a car.

These were memories that could haunt the strongest of people.It was stuck with him like a insane man bent on the idea of revenge.

Jon Darcell would never forget, and it would haunt him forever.

[Wertville]

I don't know if it's just a nickname or something, but you used both Jon and John. You should probably use one or the other
Oh, and John Smith is one of the most generic names you could possibly use, and I'm curious as to why O.o

Other than that, pretty good, and I look forward to the next part

[Feld0]

So, this is Project London? Who would've suspected it would take place in London? *banhammer'd*

I agree with Wertville; "Jon Smith" is a very generic name, and I, too wonder why you chose it. I see that you corrected the John/Jon inconsistency, btw. I'm not going to comment much on the story itself, as you're still barely into it, but so far, it seems like it'll be one of those stories in which someone dies and leaves behind a great secret, and it's up to the protagonist to figure it out.

Your mechanics are generally sound, but you're missing a few commas. When you have more than one adjective preceding a noun, you'll typically always put a comma between every adjective.

For example,

A tombstone lay by itself in the cold foggy outskirts of London.

should be

A tombstone lay by itself in the cold, foggy outskirts of London.

Also, in certain spots, you might want to carefully proofread for what I call "pronoun muddling." Read the following sentence:

The last memory of his father was his dreadful scream before he pulled the trigger.

Wait, what? Who screamed, and who pulled the trigger? Sometimes, you might need to rewrite sentences like these for clarity. Here's one way to do it:

Jon's last memory of his father was the man's dreadful scream before he pulled the trigger.

Overall, good work. I'm looking forward to the next part.

[Bartman2]

Great, I'm betting you want to make the protagonist seem exceedingly average, so he is not unusually interesting.

I don't evven know what i just said.

[Ephesus]

I think I pointed out the comma issue on YAF, as Feld0 did here.
I also remember pointing out that the transition between the flashback and the rest of the story isn't very clear. Or at least I meant to say that, but worded it too clumsily - wouldn't be the first time that happens.

[Elric]

Chapter 1

22 years later:


They all thought Jon Darcell was a strange man. He definitely  wasn't normal,never coming out of his work room with the excuse of being busy.They thought it was all a act.The servants were sent to do seemingly worthless chores,some said that he wanted the mansion flawless as his father had it. 

"He stands at the staircase just sitting there when the weather is bad in the middle of night. 3 a.m to be exact," the odd and aged servant named bristle told me. 

"Bristle, what do you suppose he does at 3 a.m at night?" I asked Bristle out of the pure curiosity in my mind. 

"I haven't the slightest idea.Some say he watches the servants.I walked past his study once around midnight and he was screaming gibberish I couldn't quite understand.He certainly is a strange man." she explained,her worn out eyes fixed on me in some expression of interest of my question.Her answer sounded like a scary story,in which the ghost comes out on a certain type of day to reap havoc on people.

We were washing the floors,a typical chore we did everyday.The boss said it was for when guests visited the house.It was strange,because visitors never visited and if they did it was once in a blue moon.I zoned out for a few minutes,staring into the thoughts of my wondering mind.

"Come on now Sykes,you must not waste time.Mr. Darcell expects us to get all of the chores done by dawn!" said bristle almost yelling.She was a loud lady,could scream while talking to someone and not even notice.

"Sorry..." I mumbled quietly,still recovering from my mind wondering into a deep pit of nothingness.

"It's ok dear,your new here.You have time to improve. I'm going to fill the bucket with more water.Why don't you dry off the floor in front of the staircase?" she asked,getting off her knees and started lifting the giant grey bucket.I merely nodded in response.She smiled and walked off in a hurry to the well where she would get the water. 

The staircase was by the entrance of the massive mansion.The dazzling staircase was amazing,looking with awe,new people walked in to see the bright red staircase with brass railing.

I walked to  the the giant room where the staircase sat.The floor was soaking wet.I walked slowly,making sure not to slip on slick floor.carefully,I tip-toed to the staircase and something struck my fragile eye.

Sitting on the first step of the large scale of stairs,was a letter sealed by dark red wax.On the front something was written on it in fine pen:

A letter to Kane Sykes