6 replies to this topic

[Elric]

Playing, in the dimmest light.
after long days
after hard days
after good days
The notes and sounds flow through me.
Sometimes the sounds are happy,
Sometimes they are sad.
Sometimes they are joyful
Sometimes,

They are my only hope

(critiques welcome)


 Wings and another poem.
(you may have seen my old poem, but this one has hopefully inproved....)

I wish could have a pair of wings.
Fly away in bad situations.
Not having to worry any longer.

I wish I could fly.
Soar through life with no worries.
Peacefully, calmly, silent.

But as I sit and look at soaring birds,
I realize.
That someone could only wish,
something of that, in a dream.



----
* would you consider it a poem?*
scylla

Beyond the sirens,
beyond kharybdis,
is a monster of great porportions.

Each head causes disaster.
Each head causes death.
Each head devastates.

Scylla monster of the seas,
destroyer of many ships,
make mankind shudder,
when they hear your name.

[Epic Kirby]

I think poems are the hardest thing to write. The hardest thing but yet the most unnapreciated, tis a sad thing.

Anyway, you've done reall well, I like the flow of your poetical style.
This line here "I wish could have a pair of wings." Is this correct?

I like this triadic parallelism-

"Each head causes disaster.
Each head causes death.
Each head devastates."

I don't really know enough about poetry to give a critique, I'll leave that to Feld0, , my favourite would have to be the second one because for some reason it speaks to me.

(Oh yeah how is your story going and great expectations?)

[Elric]

I'm really glad you enjoy my poems . I am actually working on that story, since the storyline is classified I will call it project "London". I think I'll just focus on a chapter at a time on that. I'm going to try to make it one of my best writings. For now, though I'll post my first fan fic I did awhile ago. It's not the best though.

[Wertville]

I'm not that familiar with poetry, but... I liked the first one

It really reminds me of a character from one Anime called Angel Beats!...
And it's a good example of why you shouldn't take away music from someone :cry:

[Bartman2]

I like Haiku. it can be about anything

Green grass breaks through snow.
Winter is almost gone now.
Seasons change like wind.

is it bad? it's okay to hate it.

[Feld0]

@bartman2: Please create your own topics for your own poems.

I don't really know enough about poetry to give a critique, I'll leave that to Feld0,

Urm.........I don't consider myself to be as great a poet as you're probably thinking, EK. I'm really more of a prose guy. Seeing as I've never heard of triadic parallelism before, you already know more about poetry than I do.

Back to topic, I remember you posting the last two poems on YAF, but it seems I never commented (nor did anyone else :roll:). Sorry...I must make for a terrible General Writing moderator over there.

But anyhow, I like all three that you posted here. The one about playing guitar creates an interesting image in my mind, and the "pause" before the ending feels like a "last breath of hope" before something really bad happens, if you know what I mean. I just hope that you weren't the narrator of the poem, because the guitar player seems to feel...depressed.

"Wings" reminds me very much of an old dream series of dreams I used to have when I was little®, in which I turned into my avian form: the so-called "Rainbow Bird" (it looked like a cross between Ho-oh and a phonix, and the primary colour of the plumage was red, despite the name). I think I hated my life back then, so I created this fantasy in my mind as a way to escape reality before I got any real exposure to video games. As for your poem...it's short and sweet. I really can't think of anything to criticize in it.

Lastly, yes; I would consider "Scylla" a poem. I don't see why it wouldn't be one. The first thing I notice is that you spelled Charybdis wrong (or perhaps there is a k- spelling variation I'm unfamiliar with); regardless, it should be capitalized, as it is a proper noun. I also think there should be a comma before "Scylla" in the final stanza. The poem itself is a bit on the short side, I think. After I read it, I feel that there's a fourth stanza that's missing - I think you just need that little more to get the viciousness of the legendary Scylla across.

[Ephesus]

I think Bartman put his haiku here because he was just writing it from the top of his mind, without giving it much thought or effort, to prove his point rather than show his personal work.

Everything has been pointed out, aside from something bugging me: "Fly away in bad situations" sounds a little clumsy to me, even though I understand what you mean. "Fly away from bad situations" seems more appropriate in my opinion; despite the slight change in meaning, I say it sounds less awkward.

The music in the first one is the equivalent of (day)dreams in my life. Feld0 often calls me lucky because I often have controlled and beautiful dreams, but that's not true since they're all I have.
The second... I'm pretty sure everyone dreams of flight. A considerable portion of the aforementioned (day)dreams is about me flying - or at least trying to fly, like last night.
I can't really express an opinion on the third one, as I'm not a fan of free verse. But the... *scrolls up* ...triadic parallelism is indeed interesting, and gives your poem some kind of rhythm.