12 replies to this topic

[ThePumpkinKing]

One time I went to costco to get a pizza but lost my way to the cafeteria. And I was whisked away to the soap aisle. Then I slipped on a bar of soap and fell on hot chicken soup samples and when I got up my face is boiling so I decided to get up and go to freezer aisle to get colder. When I got there I stuck my face in some microwave cheeseburger packages until my face was alright again. Then I saw a swing playset that was really high up. My childish instincts forced me to climb up there and ride it. And so I did. But right when I pushed myself on the swing I accidentally let go and fell into the meat and produce section. My head was covered with sausages and everything else was slammed with watermelon. I felt sick so I traveled to the medicine section to get some Vick or something. But while I was there I ran into my ex-girlfriend who I broke with for no good reason and I tried to be nice a person and say hi. But when I did she slapped me across the face and I fell into a bunch of fish oil vitamin pills which smelt horrible!!! So I went into the bathroom and barfed in the toilet. I flushed and washed my hands and looked into the mirror, I saw that I have gotten a big bruise as a gift from my ex. I backtracked to the freezer aisle until I got better. Then I saw that they had Harry Potter Blu ray collectors addition DVDs and rushed there. What I saw was just a mirage and I found out they only had twilight DVDs on sale. I needed to look at something decent ASAP so I went to the tv section. I saw one of those 3DTV displays and I tried it out. When I finally was done after 3 hours I noticed I was feeling hungry. And I remembered why I was even here. But it closes in only 3 minutes left!! So I played my ocarina and transported to the cafeteria and ordered my pizza to go. When I was driving home I crashed into a pizza delivery car. THE END!
DISCLAIMER
none of this ever happened, as this was a funny story to entertain you.

Edited by ThePumpkinKing, 05 August 2011 - 08:50 AM.

[Auzzie Wingman]

One time, I walked into GAME.

Yes, just the once. Never again.

And how did this end up in the museum?!?!

Edited by Auzzie Wingman, 01 August 2011 - 11:52 PM.

[ThePumpkinKing]

One time, I walked into GAME.

Yes, just the once. Never again.

And how did this end up in the museum?!?!

It's a funny story that I wrote. So it goes up in the museum where fan art lives

[Auzzie Wingman]

Oh okay. That makes sense.

[Brian6330]

One time I went to costco to get a pizza but lost my way to the cafeteria. And I was whisked away to the soap aisle. Then I slipped on a bar of soap and fell on hot chicken soup samples and when I got up my face is boiling so I decided to get up and go to freezer aisle to get colder. When I got there I sticked my face in some microwave cheeseburger packages until my face was alright again. Then I saw a swing playset that was really high up. My childish instincts forced me to climb up there and ride it. And so I did. But right when I pushed myself on the swing I accidentally let go and fell into the meat and produce section. My head was covered with sausages and everything else was slammed with watermelon. I felt sick so I traveled to the medicine section to get some Vick or something. But while I was there I ran into my ex-girlfriend who I broke with for no good reason and I tried to be nice person and say hi. But when I did she slapped me across the face and I fell into a bunch of fish oil vitamin pills which smelt horrible!!! So I went into the bathroom and barfed in the toilet. I flushed and washed my hands and looked into the mirror, I saw that I have gotten a big bruise as a gift from my ex. I backtracked to the freezer aisle until I got better. Then I saw that they had Harry Potter Blu ray collectors addition DVDs and rushed there. What I saw was just a mirage and I found out they only had twilight DVDs on sale. I needed to look at something decent ASAP so I went to the tv section. I saw one of those 3DTV displays and I tried it out. When I finally was done after 3 hours I noticed I was feeling hungry. And I remembered why I was even here. But it closes in only 3 minutes left!! So I played my ocarina and transported to the cafeteria and ordered my pizza to go. When I was driving home I crashed into a pizza delivery car. THE END!
DISCLAIMER
none of this ever happened, as this was a funny story to entertain you.

Nice story, until about the middle of the post I thought everything was true

[Bill Cipher]

This has got to be one of the worst written stories I've ever read. Seriously, learn to punctuate and try to tell a story, not a recap of events. This seriously needs much improvement.
Also: Before you get mad, I'm a part time writer

Edited by Lord N, 05 August 2011 - 08:02 AM.

[Auzzie Wingman]

This has got to be one of the worst written stories I've ever read. Seriously, Learn to punctuate and try to Tell a story, not a recap of events. This seriously needs much improvement.
Also: Before you get mad, I'm a part time writer

I didn't know part time writers capitalised random words in the middle of a sentence.

[ThePumpkinKing]

This has got to be one of the worst written stories I've ever read. Seriously, Learn to punctuate and try to Tell a story, not a recap of events. This seriously needs much improvement.
Also: Before you get mad, I'm a part time writer

Yeah, the fact that your a part time writer doesn't make me feel better. Besides, authors make lots of mistakes when they write drafts! The reason why it's perfect when it's final is because they have editors. So just because you are more professional when it comes to the art of writing, doesn't mean it's okay to go around criticizing other peoples work!

[Bill Cipher]

Yeah, the fact that your a part time writer doesn't make me feel better. Besides, authors make lots of mistakes when they write drafts! The reason why it's perfect when it's final is because they have editors. So just because you are more professional when it comes to the art of writing, doesn't mean it's okay to go around criticizing other peoples work!

The forum says were allowed to criticize other peoples work as long as it's constructive. The only time when we are not allowed to do so is when the writer specifically says that we can not critique his work.

So, I'll guess I point out whats wrong with this.
( My notes will look like this, with suggestions in Italics)

One time I went to costco(Costco) to get a pizza but lost my way to the cafeteria(Ending part should be I couldn't find my way to the cafeteria). And(Never start a sentence with and, improper English right there) I was whisked away to the soap aisle(How?). Then I slipped on a bar of soap and fell on hot chicken soup samples and when I got up my face is boiling so I decided to get up and go to freezer aisle to get colder( Overall sentence structure here is atrocious, you have a major run-on sentence and could easily split this into several sentences). When I got there I sticked my face in some microwave cheeseburger packages until my face was alright again( This sentence still doesn't make any sense. Why would you put your face on a box of cheeseburgers? I get it was burned, but still, why not get some ice?) . Then I saw a swing playset that was really high up.( much better adjectives would help out here. Instead of Really High up, try towering above me.) My childish instincts forced me to climb up there and ride it.( How do you ride a swing playset?) And so I did.( Too short of a sentence, could easily be merged with next sentence.) But right when I pushed myself on the swing I accidentally let go and fell into the meat and produce section.( I've been to several Costco's, and I've never seen the meat section near where they keep the swings) My head was covered with sausages and everything else was slammed with watermelon.( Where did the watermelon come from? There's no explanation for that.) I felt sick so I traveled to the medicine section to get some Vick( Vick is chest pain medicine, so how would that help you?) or something. But while I was there I ran into my ex-girlfriend who I broke with for no good reason and I tried to be (a) nice person and say hi. But when I did she slapped me across the face and I fell into a bunch of fish oil vitamin pills( Which don't come in raw amounts, only in jars so hoiw could you smell them?) which smelt horrible!!! So I went into the bathroom and barfed in the toilet.( Did you need to tell us this? It's kind of nasty.) I flushed and washed my hands and looked into the mirror, I saw that I have gotten a big bruise as a gift from my ex.(Never have I seen or heard of a slap that can give you a bruise) I backtracked to the freezer aisle until I got better. Then I saw that they had Harry Potter Blu ray collectors addition (collector's edition) DVDs and rushed there. What I saw was just a mirage and I found out they only had twilight DVDs on sale.( really doesn't fit into the environment of Costco, I've always seen more then just Twilight DVD's in there) I needed to look at something decent ASAP so I went to the tv section. I saw one of those 3DTV displays and I tried it out. When I finally was done after 3 hours I noticed I was feeling hungry.( You spent 3 hours with no breaks staring at a 3D TV? You must have been feeling dizzy afterwards.) And I remembered why I was even here. But it closes in only 3 minutes left!!( Costco always gives you ample warnings before it's time to close.) So I played my ocarina and transported to the cafeteria and ordered my pizza to go. When I was driving home I crashed into a pizza delivery car.( A funny story should end with a pun or something clever, crashing into a car does not count as funny.) THE END!
DISCLAIMER
none of this ever happened, as this was a funny story to entertain you.

Edited by Lord N, 05 August 2011 - 08:42 AM.

[HaHa-No]

Please don't take any of this personally but I'm going to nit-pick a few bits in here that need to be looked at.

'When I sticked'

Nononononononononono.
There is barely any moments where that is the right word to use. Most of them are in this context as well 'The magnet sticked to the fridge'. <-- Stuck still sounds better here anyway.
In this situation you should have typed 'stuck' I'll show you the difference
'When I sticked my face'
'When I stuck my face'
Sound any better?

Another thing, this would depend on what you wanted to do, but for me at least here is another small-ish error.

But while I was there I ran into my ex-girlfriend who I broke with for no good reason and I tried to be nice person and say hi.

I don't mean to be racist but thats how a lot of foreign people in my town speak. It's wrong.
This is a miniature difference, but you should have put an 'a' in-between 'be' and 'nice'. Here's the examples.
'I tried to be nice person and say hi'
'I tried to be a nice person and say hi'
To improve this even further you could replace 'say' with 'said', more examples await.
'I tried to be a nice person and say hi'
'I tried to be a nice person and said hi'
So, now lets just compare from the start to the end.
'I tried to be nice person and say hi'
'I tried to be a nice person and said hi'
Do you prefer sentence one or sentence two?
I know which one I prefer, I could touch up on more, but I'm in a rush.
I'm no author or anything, but I have got the best scores in my class for English (not to boast). And whatever author I have screamed at me to correct these mistakes over all others.

Edited by HaHa-No, 05 August 2011 - 08:12 AM.

[Brian6330]

Please don't take any of this personally but I'm going to nit-pick a few bits in here that need to be looked at.

[/u]
Nononononononononono.
There is barely any moments where that is the right word to use. Most of them are in this context as well 'The magnet sticked to the fridge'. <-- Stuck still sounds better here anyway.
In this situation you should have typed 'stuck' I'll show you the difference
'When I sticked my face'
'When I stuck my face'
Sound any better?

Another thing, this would depend on what you wanted to do, but for me at least here is another small-ish error.

I don't mean to be racist but thats how a lot of foreign people in my town speak. It's wrong.
This is a miniature difference, but you should have put an 'a' in-between 'be' and 'nice'. Here's the examples.
'I tried to be nice person and say hi'
'I tried to be a nice person and say hi'
To improve this even further you could replace 'say' with 'said', more examples await.
'I tried to be a nice person and say hi'
'I tried to be a nice person and said hi'
So, now lets just compare from the start to the end.
'I tried to be nice person and say hi'
'I tried to be a nice person and said hi'
Do you prefer sentence one or sentence two?
I know which one I prefer, I could touch up on more, but I'm in a rush.
I'm no author or anything, but I have got the best scores in my class for English (not to boast). And whatever author I have screamed at me to correct these mistakes over all others.

Nice corrections. Maybe the OP can learn something from your post... (Constructive criticism is always good )

[Auzzie Wingman]

This has got to be one of the worst written stories I've ever read. Seriously, learn to punctuate and try to tell a story, not a recap of events. This seriously needs much improvement.
Also: Before you get mad, I'm a part time writer

Too late! I have the original!

[StreetPassWanter]

But it closes in only 3 minutes left!! So I played my ocarina and transported to the cafeteria and ordered my pizza to go.

You should've used the Song of Double Time.

Anyways, I was kinda bored during the story, but it was funny. I think you need to be more descriptive.