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#1 HaHa-No

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Posted 20 October 2011 - 08:15 AM

Well, no time to waste time I suppose. Here ya go,


His cheek stung as the claws scrambled at his face furiously. Why was this thing chasing him, what did it want? Why him? He scanned the walls furiously, something to hit it with, something to stab it with. Nothing. Black blood glistened like diamonds before it plastered his face. It stung as it made contact with his skin, burning it. He felt it eat away at his flesh, he wiped it off hurriedly. It burned a hole through his sleeve. He turned around to see what had caused the blood. A head was rolling across the floor and Jenna was standing behind the body of the foul creature. A samurai sword held in her hand expertly.
“Oh... sorry for burning a hole through your shirt, it’s very nice,” to see Jenna poised with a samurai sword over a dead body was possibly the oddest thing he had ever seen. Jenna, the meek, shy girl who got depressed after standing on an ant.
“I think you may have just saved my life Jenna.”
“Oh. Is that good?”
“Very. Where did you learn to hold a samurai sword?”
“Chuck showed me a video on the internet about them.”
“Ah. Well, that came in useful, didn’t it?”
“I suppose so.”
“Speaking of Chuck, where is he? I’ve never seen you apart before.”
“He’s coming up the corridor.”
Chuck was loping up the corridor, dragging one foot after the other. Blood ran down his leg, red as rubies. He was holding a snapped ruler, which looked oddly sharp. He was muttering about something under his breath, as he came closer Charles could hear he was complaining to himself about the fact Jenna got a samurai sword and he got a ruler.
“Where did you get a samurai sword Jenna?”
“There’s one hung above our fireplace. Our parents are on holiday.”
Chuck nodded, his arms folded sulkily. Charles was amazed by how much Chuck took advantage of Jenna, and how he and Jenna had managed to actually carry on enjoying his company. Jenna, of course lived with him, so it would be awkward not to like him.
“Well then... shall we move on?” Charlie was forcing the words out his mouth, he would have liked to stand there and be ravaged by the beasts that ran amok in the building then dash around seeing them ripping apart the bodies of other humans.
They walked forwards slowly, steadily.
“Oi, Charles.”
“What?”
“Do you want my ruler?”
“What do you mean?”
“There’s a lose pipe on the wall.”
“This school’s in use- well, it’s not. But it will be after the summer holidays!”
“They’ll hardly give a damn if it’s flooded Charles, there’s dead body’s everywhere.”
“Yes well... it’ll be worse, alright?”
“You’re missing the point. There’s dead bodies of innocent people here. They’ll hardly care if it’s flooded on top of that.”
“I think you should move your heads down.”
“What do you mean Je- WHAT THE HELL?!”
Jenna’s samurai sword swung just above Chucks head. Chuck was much taller than Charles, which wouldn’t be difficult considering Charles was tiny, but what he lost in height and brute strength was regained in being nimble and quick. Charles shoved Chuck onto the floor as the blade curved downwards and sliced through a coat peg.
“WHAT THE HECK WAS THAT FOR?!” Chuck yelled.
“I saw a really scary shadow. That video said that swords like this are so sharp they could cut through them.”
“IT SAID THAT TO PAINT A PICTURE YOU IDIOT!”
“I’m very sorry.”
“And so you should be.” Chuck had a look on his face that said ‘Yeah, I just chewed you out. Pow.’
Jenna squealed and the sword flew through the air again, rather like a squeamish child would use a fly swat.
“He’s coming up the corridor.”
Chuck was loping up the corridor, dragging one foot after the other. Blood ran down his leg, red as rubies. He was holding a snapped ruler, which looked oddly sharp. He was muttering about something under his breath, as he came closer Charles could hear he was complaining to himself about the fact Jenna got a samurai sword and he got a ruler.
“Where did you get a samurai sword Jenna?”
“There’s one hung above our fireplace. Our parents are on holiday.”
Chuck nodded, his arms folded sulkily. Charles was amazed by how much Chuck took advantage of Jenna, and how he and Jenna had managed to actually carry on enjoying his company. Jenna, of course lived with him, so it would be awkward not to like him.
“Well then... shall we move on?” Charlie was forcing the words out his mouth, he would have liked to stand there and be ravaged by the beasts that ran amok in the building then dash around seeing them ripping apart the bodies of other humans.
They walked forwards slowly, steadily.
“Oi, Charles.”
“What?”
“Do you want my ruler?”
“What do you mean?”
“There’s a lose pipe on the wall.”
“This school’s in use- well, it’s not. But it will be after the summer holidays!”
“They’ll hardly give a damn if it’s flooded Charles, there’s dead body’s everywhere.”
“Yes well... it’ll be worse, alright?”
“You’re missing the point. There’s dead bodies of innocent people here. They’ll hardly care if it’s flooded on top of that.”
“I think you should move your heads down.”
“What do you mean Je- WHAT THE HELL?!”
Jenna’s samurai sword swung just above Chucks head. Chuck was much taller than Charles, which wouldn’t be difficult considering Charles was tiny, but what he lost in height and brute strength was regained in being nimble and quick. Charles shoved Chuck onto the floor as the blade curved downwards and sliced through a coat peg.
“WHAT THE HECK WAS THAT FOR?!” Chuck yelled.
“I saw a really scary shadow. That video said that swords like this are so sharp they could cut through them.”
“IT SAID THAT TO PAINT A PICTURE YOU IDIOT!”
“I’m very sorry.”
“And so you should be.” Chuck had a look on his face that said ‘Yeah, I just chewed you out. Pow.’
Jenna squealed and the sword flew through the air again, rather like a squeamish child would use a fly swat.

There was lines in-between the paragraphs, but apparently the Internet is too boss for that :b.

As always, critique is welcomed with open arms.

Edited by HaHa-No, 04 November 2011 - 01:25 PM.

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#2 Brian6330

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Posted 24 October 2011 - 08:29 PM

Why'd you repeat a part twice-ish?

Other than that, nice story :D

Hope to see more from it soon!

#3 HaHa-No

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Posted 04 November 2011 - 08:04 AM

I don't understand what you mean D:, thanks for the criticism anyway, and thanks for the non...criticism?

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#4 Brian6330

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Posted 04 November 2011 - 09:00 AM

“Oh... sorry for burning a hole through your shirt, it’s very nice,” to see Jenna poised with a samurai sword over a dead body was possibly the oddest thing he had ever seen. Jenna, the meek, shy girl who got depressed after standing on an ant.
“I think you may have just saved my life Jenna.”
“Oh. Is that good?”
“Very. Where did you learn to hold a samurai sword?”
“Chuck showed me a video on the internet about them.”
“Ah. Well, that came in useful, didn’t it?”
“I suppose so.”
“Speaking of Chuck, where is he? I’ve never seen you apart before.”
“He’s coming up the corridor.”
Chuck was loping up the corridor, dragging one foot after the other. Blood ran down his leg, red as rubies. He was holding a snapped ruler, which looked oddly sharp. He was muttering about something under his breath, as he came closer Charles could hear he was complaining to himself about the fact Jenna got a samurai sword and he got a ruler.
“Where did you get a samurai sword Jenna?”
“There’s one hung above our fireplace. Our parents are on holiday.”
Chuck nodded, his arms folded sulkily. Charles was amazed by how much Chuck took advantage of Jenna, and how he and Jenna had managed to actually carry on enjoying his company. Jenna, of course lived with him, so it would be awkward not to like him.









“Oh... sorry for burning a hole through your shirt, it’s very nice,” to see Jenna poised with a samurai sword over a dead body was possibly the oddest thing he had ever seen. Jenna, the meek, shy girl who got depressed after standing on an ant.
“I think you may have just saved my life Jenna.”
“Oh. Is that good?”
“Very. Where did you learn to hold a samurai sword?”
“Chuck showed me a video on the internet about them.”
“Ah. Well, that came in useful, didn’t it?”
“I suppose so.”
“Speaking of Chuck, where is he? I’ve never seen you apart before.”
“He’s coming up the corridor.”
Chuck was loping up the corridor, dragging one foot after the other. Blood ran down his leg, red as rubies. He was holding a snapped ruler, which looked oddly sharp. He was muttering about something under his breath, as he came closer Charles could hear he was complaining to himself about the fact Jenna got a samurai sword and he got a ruler.
“Where did you get a samurai sword Jenna?”
“There’s one hung above our fireplace. Our parents are on holiday.”
Chuck nodded, his arms folded sulkily. Charles was amazed by how much Chuck took advantage of Jenna, and how he and Jenna had managed to actually carry on enjoying his company. Jenna, of course lived with him, so it would be awkward not to like him.
“Well then... shall we move on?” Charlie was forcing the words out his mouth, he would have liked to stand there and be ravaged by the beasts that ran amok in the building then dash around seeing them ripping apart the bodies of other humans.
They walked forwards slowly, steadily.
__________________________________________


See it now?

#5 HaHa-No

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Posted 04 November 2011 - 01:24 PM

Oooh, crap. I must have messed up my document >.<.
Editing...

EDIT: Right, think I sorted it :b. Please say if I didn't. My visions a bit crap, even in my glasses :b.

Edited by HaHa-No, 04 November 2011 - 01:26 PM.

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#6 Brian6330

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Posted 04 November 2011 - 09:41 PM

Oooh, crap. I must have messed up my document >.<.
Editing...

EDIT: Right, think I sorted it :b. Please say if I didn't. My visions a bit crap, even in my glasses :b.

Seems fixed...

#7 HaHa-No

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Posted 05 November 2011 - 12:47 AM

Thank goodness.

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