18 replies to this topic

[Chaos]

"WOW DESU" - actual consumer quote after buying and trying a pair of Catons.

 

Many of you are probably asking, "what are these mysterious Catons?"

 

Well have I got news for you! It is a device that has been kept underground for 3 years now. You set it on top of your shoes and POOF! It ties your shoes for you! No more bending down and obliterating your spine while trying to tie your shoes! YES!

 

Now you guys are probably wondering, "You put in the title that there were positive facts about these devices of WONDER, where are they? desu"

 

WELL HERE THEY ARE!

 

Did you know that only 3 people a day go deaf from the intense screech that is emitted from this magical device! No more no less! If you buy one today, it will help us reach our goal 2.5 deaf people a day!

 

On average, 20 deaths are recorded from the use of this insanely awesome device called a Caton each week! THAT'S AN ALL TIME LOW!

 

And last but not least, 15-20 people per day have lost an arm or two from this amazing gift depending on the temperature outside! Can you say the same thing chain saws? NOPE!

 

Just think of all of those other daily devices you use and how many lives, arms or hearing abilities have been lost to said devices. 

 

Buy today and support our funding for Mini Catons! Half the deaths, twice the pain! Tie your shoes on the go!

 

An accurate drawing of a Mini Caton on a shoe below.

BUY NOW FOR 6 EASY PAYMENTS OF 99.99 AND GET A SECOND ONE FOR FULL PRICE! Tie your shoes today!

Edited by Chaos, 28 December 2013 - 02:31 AM.

[Mignaga]

How many per customer, because I want all of them.

[Chaos]

How many per customer, because I want all of them.

You are in luck! For a simple arm and a leg you can buy as many of these machines as you want, that way you can get rid of your other arm and leg! 

 

10/10 agree! You will not be happy with this device! Buy now!

[DANT3]

I've heard that 7 people are reported missing every month because of Catons. Is this true?

[Chaos]

I've heard that 7 people are reported missing every month because of Catons. Is this true?

you misspelled "week" but yes, 7 people go missing each week. This is due to the large increase in toothpaste over the last 2 years and has almost nothing to do with us or our company as a whole.

Edited by Chaos, 27 December 2013 - 11:37 PM.

[Horchata]

What can I say about the catons that hasn't already been said about the wheel, penicilin, or the iPhone... this is one of the greatest inventions of all time.

Who could of thought of something like this? And that’s when I knew…clearly we are not alone in this universe. A simple human could not have created a machine this genius.

I can't believe I have wasted time of my existence on this earth by not having these wonderful catons. All this time I have been staring at my shoes like a complete IDIOT wasting countless seconds tieing my shoes.

Edited by Chicken, 28 December 2013 - 12:41 AM.

[Chaos]

What can I say about the catons that hasn't already been said about the wheel, penicilin, or the iPhone... this is one of the greatest inventions of all time.

Who could of thought of something like this? And that’s when I knew…clearly we are not alone in this universe. A simple human could not have created a machine this genius.

I can't believe I have wastdr time of my existence on this earth by not having these wonderful catons. All this time I have been staring at my shoes like a complete IDIOT wasing countless seconds tieing my shoes.

That's what everyone thinks at first, you will forget everything once you get your hands on a pair of these! Your life will be so much better! And if you want to lose a couple of pounds, having no arms will easily help! Your health will be at it's peak!

[KingBoo]

advertising. BANNED TO THE DUNGEON!

Edited by KingBoo, 28 December 2013 - 08:53 AM.

[Ninty64X]

My house burnt down when I used a pair of catons. Can I get a refund?

[Chaos]

My house burnt down when I used a pair of catons. Can I get a refund?

That was just the Catons telling you that it is time to get a new house!

[kirbylover]

The catons made me run away from a shiny ho oh on heart gold! I'll sew you!

[DANT3]

sew

[Chaos]

The catons made me run away from a shiny ho oh on heart gold! I'll sew you!

No

[TheUltimateWaddleDee]

Amazing. I've had them for a few days and I've only lost my entire family and left side of my body. I've also created what looks like a portal to hell and some wierd demon-like mass. I've named him Jeffery, and he seems to like me so much he won't let go of my head. Not only do Catons tie your shoes for you, they make friends.
10/10 Would Bang.

[Chaos]

Amazing. I've had them for a few days and I've only lost my entire family and left side of my body. I've also created what looks like a portal to hell and some wierd demon-like mass. I've named him Jeffery, and he seems to like me so much he won't let go of my head. Not only do Catons tie your shoes for you, they make friends.
10/10 Would Bang.

Yes! With a pair of Catons on your shoes, your life will be miserable. So why wait?! Kill yourself today!

[Ghost]

Yes! With a pair of Catons on your shoes, your life will be miserable. So why wait?! Kill yourself today!

 

Sir, I'm a really pathetic human with a 5.0GPA and making $100,000 per year. I just need something new in my life, will Catons do this for me? 

[Chaos]

Sir, I'm a really pathetic human with a 5.0GPA and making $100,000 per year. I just need something new in my life, will Catons do this for me? 

Why of course! Without arms, you can dress like a homeless person and people will feel so sorry for you for having no arms that you will earn at least 400,000 dollars each day!

[Auzzie Wingman]

NO ONE BUY THE BLOODY CATONS!

 

This man is under arrest for the resale of radioactive material stolen from army bases international as these "Catons". Originally over 60 nations wanted to have this man put before a UN court.

 

But now, after causing half the global population to mutate from wearing these "Catons", they just want to watch him burn... in space.

[Chaos]

NO ONE BUY THE BLOODY CATONS!

 

This man is under arrest for the resale of radioactive material stolen from army bases international as these "Catons". Originally over 60 nations wanted to have this man put before a UN court.

 

But now, after causing half the global population to mutate from wearing these "Catons", they just want to watch him burn... in space.

Oh crap, who would have thought that the government would have found me on such a public website! Looks like it's time to split again! YOU WILL NEVER CATCH ME!