7 replies to this topic

[Katana_Strike]

It moves like a dancer,
Swift and quick,
With deadly steps
When weilded you will not hear your own sobs for mercy,
or the swish of material as it is lifted through the air,
All you will hear is the sound of metal slicing through air,
When the Katana strikes

It is as deadly as a demon,
Sharp and merciless,
Its point is cruel,
When it rips through flesh and bone you will not hear the splatter of red,
Or the moans of anguish and pain from it's current victim,
Because all you will hear is the sound of metal slicing through the air
When the Katana strikes

Edited by Katana_Strike, 04 August 2011 - 05:41 AM.

[HaHa-No]

I can't feel much in terms of a rhythm here and I normally only like poetry that rhymes or has rhythm.
That still applies here, I'm afraid.

[Brian6330]

It moves like a dancer,
Swift and quick,
With deadly steps
When weilded you will not hear your own sobs for mercy,
or the swish of material as it is lifted through the air,
All you will hear is the sound of metal slicing through air,
When the Katana strikes

It is as deadly as a demon,
Sharp and merciless,
Its point is cruel,
When it rips through flesh and bone you will not hear the splatter of red,
Or the moans of anguish and pain from it's current victim,
Because all you will hear is the sound of metal slicing through the air
When the Katana strikes

It sounds more like a song than a poem to me, to be honest...

[Elric]

its fine, in my opinion. Seemed to short for me though, maybe try expanding it a little more?

[StreetPassWanter]

I didn't like it as much. No rhythm, and a LITTLE bit boring.

[Elric]

I didn't like it as much. No rhythm, and a LITTLE bit boring.

To fix this I suggest using "harsh" imagery, since this poem is about a sword, I would typically compare its smoothness, and fluidness, and then in the next line I would say while its fluid and beautiful it can tear like some kind of beast.

Hope I helped a bit.

[StreetPassWanter]

To fix this I suggest using "harsh" imagery, since this poem is about a sword, I would typically compare its smoothness, and fluidness, and then in the next line I would say while its fluid and beautiful it can tear like some kind of beast.

Hope I helped a bit.

You sure like poetry.

[Elric]

I am a writer, tis what I like to do

Edited by superdarkyoshi, 10 August 2011 - 11:45 AM.