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3 Poems by yours truly ;D


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#1 Brian6330

Brian6330

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Posted 24 December 2011 - 03:03 PM

Memes:


Oh Memes,
how I loveth thou.

You make me smile,
you make me laugh.
You make me mad
you make me feel bad.

You make or brake my day,
but at the end of the day
when I lay in my hay,
I laugh at you.


______________________________________________________

This is a gamer's world:

Dark room,
no lights.
A room
that's never been clean
or sheen.
A person,
sitting there late at night,
playing...
This is a gamer's world.

Wait in front of a store,
for the newest release of this special game.
Be the first one to enter,
but the last one to find his center.
All this excitement is too much.
This is a gamer's world.

Have a friend come over,
spend the whole afternoon playing...
a game.
1 game.
Never even once stop to talk
or walk
or even remember his name.
Too busy with the game.
This is a gamer's world.

Grow up,
people see you playing games...
Tell you to get a life,
you tell them that this is your life.
They don't respond nor comprehend,
but keep spending money
on other stuff not as fun.
Sad that they don't see what they're missing.
This is a gamer's world and will stay one.

____________________________________
Poem for school on a story called "The School master" by Earl Lovelace
The Poem will only be on the first chapter, and it was important to retain all information from it.

Here's a summary of the whole story, so it's kinda easier to understand:
Earl Lovelace's second novel tells the story of an isolated rural community coming in touch with the wider world. The villages learn, only too cruelly, that "progress" can mean the destruction of cherished values. Introduction by Cecil Gray.


There's stuff in brackets to help you guys understand some stuff ;)
Anyways, here's the poem I wrote:


Kumaca, Kumaca, Kumaca...
the place where the leaves dance in the wind,
where people are simple.
These people live off of Cocoa harvesting,
and a few off of betting on game-cocks. (a.k.a. chicken fights)

These people have dreams,
as nice as can be.
They're all waiting for the fĂȘte (big party at the end of harvest)
even Pedro, (pronounce it as Peedro)
who's never heard of a speedo. (those small swim trunks)

Pedro warned Miguel of a non-existent snake,
which worked as bait
to anger Miguel.
To add salt to the wound,
he teases him 'bout his cocks. (The chicken he has that fight)

On the way back,
Pedro thinks to himself "drat!"
He didn't get to see Christiana today,
who's as beautiful as no other.

Pedro and Robert discuss,
'bout their father,
who's distancing himself,
further and further
now becoming drunkard.

They'd (Pedro and Robert) like it if the school were built,
so they hope the beans will soon be spilt.

Now, at the meeting (about the building of the school)
Lucien was speaking.
He agreed to building a school
and thought it'd be cool.

The next to speak,
with a voice as calm as still water-
was Dandrade.
He didn't want Kumaca to remain backward
and never have a "Harvard"

Dardain, who had his hidden agenda,
agreed as well.

So, it was decided,
that Paulaine was to go see the Priest in Zanilla;
he'd ask for advice,
from the follower of Christ.

____________________________________________________

Well, that was it.

Hope you enjoyed.

(Construvctive) critisism is welcome.



-Brian

Edited by Brian6330, 24 December 2011 - 08:36 PM.


#2 Elric

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Posted 24 December 2011 - 05:27 PM

Welcome to the poem brigade.

I especially like "meme". I noticed though, shouldn't is be "How I loveth thou"?

Other than that, the best way to improve is to make more poems. One thing like about your poems is they kind of are on the lighter side unlike my poems being all. You should try mood change as well, just to experiment on your style of writing poetry. Like, happy mood and then BAM... hit them with a sad mood all of the sudden. It gives the poem more meaning sometimes to the reader and leaves more of a "mark". It also gets the reader to think about your poem more. Also, on your poem "This is the gamer's world" I think you can italicize it for a better effect. Bold just seems like you want to make the word important, maybe if use bold and italicization it would give a better emphasis on what your message is trying to say.

On the last poem I think the line "by being a drunkard" would have a better effect if you say "now becoming a drunkard". You say he is changing further and further and this will show more of a "slow transformation" kind of feel. Other than those little things, I think you did a great job.

But,

I.want.more.

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#3 Brian6330

Brian6330

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Posted 24 December 2011 - 09:00 PM

Thanks for the criticism :D

I.want.more.


Well, there'll be more when I feel like, have inspiration or am repeatedly "pushed" by someone to do it. *hint hint*




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