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#1 Elric

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Posted 01 June 2011 - 12:13 PM

 
Note: the things that happen in this story take place in one night. Lucas sleith is a little bit older than the last encounter at zombie road. 

Lucas walked quickly through the pitch blackness of the night. He knew he was vulnerable to them at night, so he carefully examined his environment every few minutes and looked behind his shoulder. The only thing lighting the pathway was a single dim lamp he clutched in his hands. Lucas seemed to shiver every time he took a step down the narrow road to the shack he called home. 

Lucas was a servant at a nearby house, as he had to make his own money because his parents passed away a few months ago. His employer was very strict about the way the work was done, so Lucas would have to work all day to get everything exactly the way he wanted. It was hard work, and although he got money, he would only get enough for a small loaf of bread and some milk.

Lucas saw something from the corner of his eye. A shadow? At night? He started to panic. His breathing got heavy. He started to walk faster. This time he hears gurgling sound following followed by a sharp banging noise. It sounded like it came from behind him again, and starts running as fast as he can away from the thing following him.

 Lucas trips and hits the hard, bumpy ground. His foot was stuck by a small hole in the road. Lucas pulled as hard as he could as he tried to get his foot out of the hole. He looks up. Not too far from him, floating towards him was the thing he was running from.

The being was almost a shadow, red eyes glowing in the darkness of the night. His face was almost the form of a distorted skull, with a pair of horns on top of it. The horns looked sharp enough to impale someone. Lucas tugged harder at his foot wedged inside of the hole. Before he knew it, the being was floating at his feet.He could feel the deep pit of fear in his stomach. A almost sickening feeling. The feeling that this could be the end for him. The dead sight of the being was horrifying to Lucas. 

The creature let out a dreadful sound that lifted Lucas up face-to-face with the shadowish figure.Lucas screamed in pain as it lifted him up by some force, constricting his short skinny neck. The sound was like ten thousands long nails scratching upon a dirty old chalkboard. 

The creature looked straight at him, like he was staring into the deep pits of his soul. Lucas looked back at it. It was like looking into two small bowls of nothingness. What looked like his head was getting closer to him, and as it did his neck felt more and more constricted. Lucas let out another scared scream for his life. This was it. It was only a matter seconds before he suffocated or his neck snapped from the constant tightening of his neck.He could already barely breath. His short life flickered in his mind.

The creature let out another scream. This time, it  was a scream of pain. From the stomach of the tall beast, a bright blue light bursted out of the body of shadow. Lucas once again hit the hard ground. It was gone. Something new stood before him. It was a man. He was about in his late sixties, and had a black beard to his chest.He wore a suit with a top hat and a brass cane. He held what looked like a silver pocket watch. He opened it and almost frantically looked at the time.

"Cmon, we are running out of time!" said the old man grabbing the hand of Lucas and running off into the night.

Edited by superdarkyoshi, 01 June 2011 - 12:18 PM.

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#2 Epic Kirby

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Posted 01 June 2011 - 02:32 PM

Very interesting, can't wait to hear what happens next. You've definitely got the plot and suspense hammered down you just need to go through it with a fine tooth comb to get the grammar up to scratch. For example you mix up the tenses sometimes.

Lucas saw something from the corner of his eye. (This one is past tense)

Lucas trips and hits the hard, (This one is present)

If its happening now, it should say Lucas sees something from the corner of his eyes.

Apart from that I'm interested to find out who the old man is and why he has a pocket watch just like our dear Lucas... hmm until you release the next bit I guess I'll just speculate xD

Edit: And also to find out what that thing was

Edited by Epic Kirby, 01 June 2011 - 02:37 PM.

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#3 HaHa-No

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Posted 02 June 2011 - 01:46 AM

Heheh, sorry, the past and first tense thing makes me giggle. It never happened to me, someone in my class finds it difficuilt to avoid though.

Anyways, in a rush, so I just glanced, but it's pretty damn interesting. Thats for sure! Intrigued to see what comes next.

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#4 Epic Kirby

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Posted 07 June 2011 - 05:39 AM

When's the next update SDY? You're killing me here :D
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#5 Elric

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Posted 08 June 2011 - 02:51 PM

When's the next update SDY? You're killing me here :D


Don't worry, im going to start on it tommorow. I don't think it should take too long, since I've been planning the entire storyline in my head first. It should be done by the end of the week.

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#6 Ruthie

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Posted 10 June 2011 - 03:00 AM

Very interesting and probably your best yet. Always good to start with some suspense :P to hook your readers. Will be interesting to find out what happens next.
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#7 Epic Kirby

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Posted 11 June 2011 - 01:30 PM

Don't worry, im going to start on it tommorow. I don't think it should take too long, since I've been planning the entire storyline in my head first. It should be done by the end of the week.


Great, I'll sub the thread so that I know when you've posted it.
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#8 Elric

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Posted 14 June 2011 - 04:35 PM

I'm going to have to delay part 2,sorry to disappoint. I am just working on the requests right now. But maybe you should request something from me? I'd be glad to write a request.

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#9 Ruthie

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Posted 15 June 2011 - 01:16 PM

Awwwwww but fair enough <_<
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#10 Epic Kirby

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Posted 17 June 2011 - 01:50 PM

I'm going to have to delay part 2,sorry to disappoint. I am just working on the requests right now. But maybe you should request something from me? I'd be glad to write a request.


WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH???? :angry: *calms down*

EDIT: Ok fine. Don't worry about it :(

Edited by Epic Kirby, 17 June 2011 - 01:51 PM.

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