28 replies to this topic

[HaHa-No]

Death

Death looks the man in the eye,

reminding him of his near demise.

Death smiles a manic grin,

the man screams a screechy din.

A swish, a flick,

Tut, tut.

His life's been nicked.

Crow

Hello sir's, I'm the crow.

I help to kill people, y'know!

I am often famed for my eerie presence,

My oh so creepy essence.

Please come through this door,

your wait for death's over, I'm sure!

Park

Gate's open,

the children come in, oh, they're so small!

Please come and play,

we welcome all.

Victorious

Tailcoat stained with blood,

as blade bites into flesh.

He walks away, grinning

he has won the battle.

Fright

Always growing,

never slowing.

Fright creeps along the world,

is my fear showing?

I'm going to put some background about why I wrote these poems.

Death:I thought of it in maths, where my normally cool teacher had to go on about continuous data, when of course I was looking at the clock to work out when it would be 10:30 and I could go out and talk about Chrono-Trigger with my friends (yep, my friends are as sad as me when it comes to RPG's and Anime).

Crow: Tried to go for a more funny poem here, I found in the end that it sounded quite Lewis Carroll-esque (hope I spelled that right :b ). And if your wondering, yes, the last 2 lines are a reference to suicide.

Park: AMAC gave me a nudge to write a nicer poem. So I wrote a ridiculously short poem about the playground. Two poems in a day, and hopefully no drop in quality.

Victorious: I went back to depressing poems, and I don't feel this was very good, but ah well. I just needed to write another really.

Fright: I had a horrible nightmare yesterday, so I decided to write another poem.

Now the meanings of them :b.

Death: Didn't tell you what YEAR it was when I thought of it, did I? It was last year (my group was doing Year 6 work, don't ask). My grandfather had recently passed away, who I had loved very much and I was rather depressed. So I wrote it on a piece of paper and recovered it while cleaning my room yesterday.

Crow: Doesn't have a meaning, just a bit of fun to be honest.

Park: My friends went out to the park and I had to do homework. So I wrote it and tried to imagine being there with my friends, sad, I know.

Victorious: Doesn't have a meaning.

Fright: Fear only grows. There is nearly never times when (internationally) fear is less prominent. It always goes up, never down.

Edited by HaHa-No, 23 December 2011 - 11:43 AM.

[Brian6330]

It's nice, but the the title is somewhat misleading.

I doubt you're ten, nor a creep and with deathly I thought there were reports of people dying after reading that poem

Was interesting though. Nice and short.


Also, nice image! (At first I was freaked out as I thought he wasn't eating pizza, but something else instead o.O)

[HaHa-No]

It's nice, but the the title is somewhat misleading.

I doubt you're ten, nor a creep and with deathly I thought there were reports of people dying after reading that poem

Was interesting though. Nice and short.


Also, nice image! (At first I was freaked out as I thought he wasn't eating pizza, but something else instead o.O)

Alright, I'm trying to decipher the order of your post :b. Wait a moment, I think I've got it.

I am 10, I would show you a piccy, but... privacy. I may be a creep, I may not. It is neither your nor mine to say, it is people who have met me, and they will most likely have mixed opinions. I didn't understand the last sentence so I'll just ignore it :b.

Thanks on the opinion on the actual poem though :b, nice to know that I'm not terrible at poetry. Since it's my writing topic for a few weeks at school...

I know what you mean, scared the hell out of me when I first saw it. It grew on me though, and I used it.

[Exlon]

Alright, I'm trying to decipher the order of your post :b. Wait a moment, I think I've got it.

I am 10, I would show you a piccy, but... privacy. I may be a creep, I may not. It is neither your nor mine to say, it is people who have met me, and they will most likely have mixed opinions. I didn't understand the last sentence so I'll just ignore it :b.

Thanks on the opinion on the actual poem though :b, nice to know that I'm not terrible at poetry. Since it's my writing topic for a few weeks at school...

I know what you mean, scared the hell out of me when I first saw it. It grew on me though, and I used it.

No way. You can't really be 10 now, can you? No ten year-olds type/write that well and with such proper grammar. It's inconceivable these days.

Edited by Exlon, 15 October 2011 - 12:22 PM.

[Bill Cipher]

No way. You can't reallybe 10 now, can you? No ten year-olds type/write that well and with such proper grammar. It's inconceivable these days.

This entirely. It is very unbelievable that you are 10, as your grammar sounds much more in line with a high school student and above.
Anyways, really liked the poem. It portrayed the feeling of death very well.

[Waller]

Don't worry, Haha-No. I believe you.

... Can't say anything about the poem, I know absolutely nothing about it, but I like it.

[HaHa-No]

Alrighty guys, sorry for taking ages on replying. I was at school for 6 hours and my reply box didn't work for about an hour after I got home :|.
Anywho, time to reply.
@All (except Waller *pats head*), Once again, I assure all of you that I am 10. I really can't prove it, but a prankster would normally have given up after all of the people 'finding him out'.

No way. You can't reallybe 10 now, can you? No ten year-olds type/write that well and with such proper grammar. It's inconceivable these days.

My class's grammar is actually quite good in general. Now, would you believe me if I said 3 years ago I had a serious grammatical problem? I got hell-loads of grammar forced on me and eventually came to what you see today. Were you al excpeting tihs?

This entirely. It is very unbelievable that you are 10, as your grammar sounds much more in line with a high school student and above.
Anyways, really liked the poem. It portrayed the feeling of death very well.

I can't be bothered to argue on my age, but I thank you for your kind words on my grammar.
Thank you very much on terms of the poem. Now I feel assured that my poetry is good enough for my SAT's year.

Don't worry, Haha-No. I believe you.

... Can't say anything about the poem, I know absolutely nothing about it, but I like it.

I don't know much about poetry either Waller, don't worry about that :b. Thanks, once again for the words on the poem. Now time for a second one, about a raven, perhaps?

Edited by HaHa-No, 11 October 2011 - 08:32 AM.

[Waller]

And my favourite band is Evanescence!

... Lol.

Anyway, it seems you mixed up Wertville and me.

[HaHa-No]

And my favourite band is Evanescence!

... Lol.

Anyway, it seems you mixed up Wertville and me.

Yes, I was getting lazy :b.

Crap. I always mix you, SDY and Wert up >.<.

[AMAC]

I believe that you're ten, although your grammar really is much better than that of most 10 year olds. I did work experience in a primary school last year and I was working with kids aged 8-10 mostly. Honestly, most of their spelling and grammar was much worse than yours. Anyway, I think the poems you've written are pretty good, although poetry isn't my strong point. One bit of advice I'd give you for school work though, would be to not write about death too much. Primary school teachers tend to not like it.

[HaHa-No]

I believe that you're ten, although your grammar really is much better than that of most 10 year olds. I did work experience in a primary school last year and I was working with kids aged 8-10 mostly. Honestly, most of their spelling and grammar was much worse than yours. Anyway, I think the poems you've written are pretty good, although poetry isn't my strong point. One bit of advice I'd give you for school work though, would be to not write about death too much. Primary school teachers tend to not like it.

I found out your last point last year. Joshua wrote a story about Death itself in a house. The teacher ripped it out his book and made him write it for the next week of playtime :b.

I tend to write Fantasy for school, and stuff about tree's. My teachers seem to like it, elves and Sakura tree's in particular.

Edited by HaHa-No, 11 October 2011 - 11:45 AM.

[Garolymar]

Hehehe, all three are very good, I hope your teacher thinks so too. I'm especially fond of the crow poem, it made me chuckle.

I'm not all that into poetry so I can't really critique you but keep up the good work.

Edited by GaroIymar, 11 October 2011 - 12:04 PM.

[HaHa-No]

Hehehe, all three are very good, I hope your teacher thinks so too. I'm especially fond of the crow poem, it made me chuckle.

I'm not all that into poetry so I can't really critique you but keep up the good work.

Thank you, though I would have to print off my poetry separately for my teacher to see. He isn't overly into gaming and definitely won't watch this site :b. Crow made you chuckle? That's good, as that's what it was meant to do and nobody else said anything of the sort DX.

Edited by HaHa-No, 11 October 2011 - 12:49 PM.

[Brian6330]

I liked your poems and I do believe that you're 10 for reasonsI won't mention right now:P

You have some nice idea for poems. Do you go by inspiration? Any motive behind each poem that you thought of before writing it? Taking any requests?

[Elric]

I started writing poems when I was 9 years of ages, so your in a good position to start. I want to emphasize that practice is very important in order to get better at poems, as well as writing in general (or, almost everything). Your grammar from what I see is very good (even though poems don't really follow the rules of grammar).

Now, Im going to give you a friendly critique- use this to your advantage. Take the advice of other people, because that is what will make you better.

1. I liked that your poems were short, but I want to see longer ones. As you write more poems you will notice that your poems will get longer. It just takes some time
2. Dont rhyme words just because they rhyme. For example when you rhymed "Presence" with "Listening to evanescence". I understand that you were trying to make the rhythm of the poem work out by rhyming, but a crow listening to evanescence seems a bit ridiculous. Try to rhyme well, but also make sense while your doing it. It seemed you just rhymed because you couldn't find anything else to rhyme "Presence" with. Here is a example of a rhyme that is supposed to be funny, but isn't ridiculous and out of this world.

"I hate when people rhyme stupid stuff
Like cheese puffs"

See how the rhyme makes logical sense?

3. This will improve and may take awhile to do, but sometimes to add a better effect to your poems you can switch moods. Two stanzas happy, and then BAM. Sad stanza. It catches the reader off-gaurd, and puts more meaning and makes the reader think more about the true meaning of your poem. But, stick with the simple stuff for now, its still nice and people like reading them.

Overall your poems are good, and I hope you continue to write them as well as improve along the way while you write them.

[HaHa-No]

I started writing poems when I was 9 years of ages, so your in a good position to start. I want to emphasize that practice is very important in order to get better at poems, as well as writing in general (or, almost everything). Your grammar from what I see is very good (even though poems don't really follow the rules of grammar).

Now, Im going to give you a friendly critique- use this to your advantage. Take the advice of other people, because that is what will make you better.

1. I liked that your poems were short, but I want to see longer ones. As you write more poems you will notice that your poems will get longer. It just takes some time
2. Dont rhyme words just because they rhyme. For example when you rhymed "Presence" with "Listening to evanescence". I understand that you were trying to make the rhythm of the poem work out by rhyming, but a crow listening to evanescence seems a bit ridiculous. Try to rhyme well, but also make sense while your doing it. It seemed you just rhymed because you couldn't find anything else to rhyme "Presence" with. Here is a example of a rhyme that is supposed to be funny, but isn't ridiculous and out of this world.

"I hate when people rhyme stupid stuff
Like cheese puffs"

See how the rhyme makes logical sense?

3. This will improve and may take awhile to do, but sometimes to add a better effect to your poems you can switch moods. Two stanzas happy, and then BAM. Sad stanza. It catches the reader off-gaurd, and puts more meaning and makes the reader think more about the true meaning of your poem. But, stick with the simple stuff for now, its still nice and people like reading them.

Overall your poems are good, and I hope you continue to write them as well as improve along the way while you write them.

Yes :b, I did get a bit lazy writing that line DX.
The reason my poetry is short is because my teacher read possibly the most boring poem in history to us, which was about 2 pages long. That may be the most traumatic experience I've ever experienced *shakes*. I couldn't put anybody else through that >.<.
Switching moods? Seem's hard as hell but I'll try it.

I liked your poems and I do believe that you're 10 for reasonsI won't mention right now:P

You have some nice idea for poems. Do you go by inspiration? Any motive behind each poem that you thought of before writing it? Taking any requests?

Yes! More people are beginning to believe I'm 10 .
The end of the post should have some stuff to satisfy your hunger on what the poems are about. Requests? But of course, ask away.

Edited by HaHa-No, 11 October 2011 - 11:26 PM.

[Exlon]

Random note:
"Presence" can rhyme with "essence," and "effervescence" is actually a word. Look it up.

Anyway, what do you mean by you think your poetry is ready for your SAT year? Just a little note: You don't write poetry in the SATs. You write an essay (on a topic they give you) in 25 minutes. Ugh, that part was awful (I took the SAT twice, and I think my essay was sloppier the second time, but everything else was better).

HOWEVER: With that grammar, the English parts of the SAT should be a cinch by the time you take it.

[HaHa-No]

SAT's change every year. Sometimes they're poetry, sometimes a story, sometimes journalistic. I was thinking of essence to replace Evanescence.
Will be changed in a moment!

[Exlon]

SAT's change every year. Sometimes they're poetry, sometimes a story, sometimes journalistic. I was thinking of essence to replace Evanescence.
Will be changed in a moment!

Nooo, it's always an essay. Sorry to break it to you. Take it from someone who knows. Also, SAT practice books train you for essays, not stories or poems.

[HaHa-No]

Nooo, it's always an essay. Sorry to break it to you. Take it from someone who knows. Also, SAT practice books train you for essays, not stories or poems.

SAT's must differ between England and America. Because my mother has been a teacher for about 20 years and says they change :b.